Parental Controls
I once read this article that Anderson Cooper wrote about how parents still hold power over us no matter how old we get. I really enjoyed it because he so adeptly captured it all. I laughed and nodded while reading this. And then I wondered how he could do that? I mean, he comes from a wealthy family, wealthy and Caucasian. (If you don't know about Anderson Cooper, do a Google search on him. He has a show on CNN.) Yet surprisingly, we could relate to what he was saying - we meaning my 2nd generation Korean-American friends and myself with working class parents.
And here I am, at age 30, still experiencing those parental controls that I thought I could throw off after my 20s. Apparently, that's just a myth. Sometimes it's just terrible - of me, really, not my parents. No matter how my parents try to let go of controls, I guess as long as I'm their daughter those controls will always be there, attached by invisible strings that get yanked once in a while. I, on the other hand, have a strange notion of parent-child relationships in my family. I know that my mother sometimes wishes that I would share more of what I'm thinking or experiencing or feeling. But usually I don't have the guts to tell her. Nor do I have the desire to. Yes, there are some things that parents should not know. But for me, giving up information sometimes is like giving in to the other side. I think I've come to protect my privacy quite vigorously because my parents have never asked me about too many things; and if they have asked me and I've taken a risk in divulging, the consequence has not always been positive. I wonder if it's just a parent thing or an Asian-parent thing but positive reinforcement has not been a constant flow for me, not in the way that I've always wanted. I think as I've grown older I've learned to collect those implicit compliments as precious gems and stowed them away with care. But overall, I've always felt like I'm just not good enough. So I've always been very careful with what I share because the fear of disapproval or dismissal always lurks. Yet, on the flip side of that is the problem that sometimes I bottle things up so much that it just explodes in my face, and unfortunately for my parents, in their faces. And usually, they never know what hit them or where on earth that explosion came from.
Sometimes I just feel so terrible. It's like this paradoxical relationship that continues... or shall I say a cycle that I am not quite sure how to break? For the most part, we deal. I've learned to let most things go in one ear and out the other. I've learned to figure out their ways and see things from their perspective. But sometimes I just want to let it all go and not have to think about their reaction. And I want them to know who I am - not who they think I am, or who they wish me to be. But there's a breakdown in communication, just as there has always been. And in one instant when I'm pressed, I am reduced to a tantrumming child. As a result, I feel like all the things I've built up to be good in their eyes has been knocked down some. Yeah, I know it's not actually like that, but perspectives are never quite logical when it comes to parent-child relationships. And parents always seem to have the upper hand, ready to turn on the controls just a little bit more....
And here I am, at age 30, still experiencing those parental controls that I thought I could throw off after my 20s. Apparently, that's just a myth. Sometimes it's just terrible - of me, really, not my parents. No matter how my parents try to let go of controls, I guess as long as I'm their daughter those controls will always be there, attached by invisible strings that get yanked once in a while. I, on the other hand, have a strange notion of parent-child relationships in my family. I know that my mother sometimes wishes that I would share more of what I'm thinking or experiencing or feeling. But usually I don't have the guts to tell her. Nor do I have the desire to. Yes, there are some things that parents should not know. But for me, giving up information sometimes is like giving in to the other side. I think I've come to protect my privacy quite vigorously because my parents have never asked me about too many things; and if they have asked me and I've taken a risk in divulging, the consequence has not always been positive. I wonder if it's just a parent thing or an Asian-parent thing but positive reinforcement has not been a constant flow for me, not in the way that I've always wanted. I think as I've grown older I've learned to collect those implicit compliments as precious gems and stowed them away with care. But overall, I've always felt like I'm just not good enough. So I've always been very careful with what I share because the fear of disapproval or dismissal always lurks. Yet, on the flip side of that is the problem that sometimes I bottle things up so much that it just explodes in my face, and unfortunately for my parents, in their faces. And usually, they never know what hit them or where on earth that explosion came from.
Sometimes I just feel so terrible. It's like this paradoxical relationship that continues... or shall I say a cycle that I am not quite sure how to break? For the most part, we deal. I've learned to let most things go in one ear and out the other. I've learned to figure out their ways and see things from their perspective. But sometimes I just want to let it all go and not have to think about their reaction. And I want them to know who I am - not who they think I am, or who they wish me to be. But there's a breakdown in communication, just as there has always been. And in one instant when I'm pressed, I am reduced to a tantrumming child. As a result, I feel like all the things I've built up to be good in their eyes has been knocked down some. Yeah, I know it's not actually like that, but perspectives are never quite logical when it comes to parent-child relationships. And parents always seem to have the upper hand, ready to turn on the controls just a little bit more....
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